Archive for the ‘Introspective’ Category


I Often Disappear

I Often Disappear

The time is 1:39 AM and what was supposed to be a post promoting a few events happening this week has been postponed to revisit this reoccurring thought that has intrigued my mind as of late. And it’s so suiting that “The Lost and Found” by Gretchen Parlato is providing the soundtrack for this post. So let’s just jump into it…..


I often tend to disappear. Simply vanishing for moments of time. Mostly mentally, but either way, there have been occasions where I have just…disappeared…lost communication…joined the Witness Protection Program on that arse for a few. Ok, maybe that was a stretch but you get the point. I don’t know why I do it and there’s truly no rhyme or reason to it. I would be justified if I came out of hiding with the problems of the world solved, or even my UpScale website updated (which is another story for another evening), but usually I’m just ghost for no reason. Well at least I thought. Until recently when I was on one of my daily blog-crawls and I came across an article on The Lower Frequency entitled “Disappearing Acts – Why Men Sometimes Fall Off The Face Of The Earth.”

Now in his article, he focuses on why men disappear in relationships (and clearly that isn’t my issue, at least in my mind) it did make me think on how my subtle “momentary vacations from communicating” my have led others to believe that I had lost or was losing interest in them when I was 95.95% of the time….just in my world. (Now that other 4.05%…..umm…I gonna plead the 5th on and just keep it moving).

But to continue, reading this blog did really make me look back at the past and realize that not only have I done some of the tactics he brings up in the blog (ok, I admit it, I’ve had a few asshole moments, but I’m a creative andI’m sensitive about my ish), but my “disappearing acts” actually give people different thoughts of who I really am. I had to take a step back and say wow! It wasn’t until someone recently made a statement to me that I realize how different my personality, my moods, my disposition….changes. It’s almost like I’m a different person…the “Anti-Me.” Of course I came up with some great, elaborate narrative to refute the “Anti-Me” instead of being open about the occasional duality of my personality and that I like to at times “Get The Hell Out of Dodge” mentally.

But in all of this, I have realized a valuable point or two…. that  maybe I’ll work on in the future…

As Gretchen still sings in the background and the time is now 2:38….I guess I will try to get lost and found in a dream.

(“The Lost & Found”)

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Trust Issues

Trust Issues

All I care about is money and the city that I’m from
I’ma sip until I feel it, I’ma smoke it till it’s done
And I don’t really give a f-ck, and my excuse is that I’m young
And I’m only getting older so somebody shoulda told ya

I’m on one, Yeah, f-ck it, I’m on one
Yeah, I said I’m on one, F-ck it, I’m on oneA strong one

All She cares about is money and the city where she’s from,

Her attention is on paper, she don’t need no f-ckin love,

She’s spillin’ all this liquor tryna pass me all these cups

Well baby girl I’m zonin’ somebody should have told her

I popped one, F-ck it I popped one

Oh girl I’m on one, F-ck I popped one

Yeah…We all have them in some shape and/or form…..



Late Nights….

Late Nights….

Have you ever had one of those late nights were you just couldn’t go to sleep. You shut down the laptop, turn off TV, cut off all the lights, yet you just lay there……for hours…..cause your mind won’t let you rest.

Well this is one of those late nights…..It’s 2:00AM (my typical bed time) and I’m wide awake…..simply thinking….originally thinking of nothing in particular, but since I’ve picked up my blackberry, words have randomly started to flow… I guess I’ll oblige them for a few and see where this goes….

The past 365 days have been an experience for me….one that I rarely talk about and if you’re not in my close circle, you hardly know the challenges I’ve faced. There have been times that I’ve……reflected on my past and questioned simply Why….What….How?

See I’m a dreamer (and I often dream vividly in color)….and I’ve seen in my dreams the future and successes that are in store for me…..but I often feel like I can’t get over this damn wall … or when I do get over one, I see two more….

But I’m also a realist…..meaning I know that there have been certain things in my life that I’ve mishandled, people that I’ve hurt, and callings that I have not been ready to step into….I admit that I’m not perfect by any means, and I admit that I am often a hindrance to my own success at times….

So herein lies my dilemma….the battle that occasionally keeps me awake at night……….how do I train my mind to realize that my dreams can be my reality and, by faith, walk into that future that I’ve seen so vividly in color………or am I already walking in that path and the trails that I’m enduring are obstacles to strengthen my resolve and humble me so that when I realize my dreams, I’ll see the bigger picture of HIS plans for me…

Unfortunately, this is not answer that my mind is capable (or ready) of answering yet….So I just lay here….and hopefully dream vividly (and in color) this late night.